Author Topic: In need of some major story assistance  (Read 2690 times)

Xamusel

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In need of some major story assistance
« on: November 22, 2013, 03:01:24 AM »
You see, I had gotten (mostly) done with writing a scene that involves mixing the Nasuverse and a more Shounen series, though it's a bit heavy on the other series right now. Anyway, at present, I'm working on seeing about getting the scene cleaned up... however, the main thing I want fixed out of it is whatever's wrong with my characterization of the Nasuverse character, Tohno Shiki. Everything else is not quite as important, but still important, anyway.

===

Naruto and Yamiko made it to her apartment when they heard a meowing sound coming from within. As soon as they heard it, Naruto turned to face her and asked, “Do you have a cat?”

“No, I don’t,” Yamiko answered truthfully a confused look on her face.

At that, both blinked in realization, with Naruto holding Yamiko’s groceries while she unlocked her door and opened it. With the doorway open, both of them made their way to where the meowing came from.  They soon found the room and found themselves looking at a tiger cub helplessly trapped in Yamiko and Mika’s laundry much to the girl’s mortification.

“DON’T LOOK!” Yamiko shouted as she shoved Naruto back, but the tiger heard her and panicked and shot out of the room bowling both kids over and leaving a trail of laundry in its wake.

“The heck?” Naruto pulled one piece of cloth off his face, fearing the worse and released a sigh of relief when he saw it was a pair of shorts and not something more terrifying, like bloomers or underwear.

He still carried the occasional phantom pain from when he held a pair of his mother’s ‘special’ panties she had gotten from his father in front of several others.

He also understood that Uchiha Mikoto still ribbed her longtime friend over the incident too.

“NARUTO-KUN!” Yamiko shouted, not caring that they were only shorts; her face was redder than Kushina’s hair at that point.

Naruto wisely changed the subject as he got to his feet and started chasing the tiger cub, “On it!” he shouted chasing it around the apartment flat, “Get back here you!”

It was rather comical how the tiger cub led Naruto on a chase around the apartment.  Yamiko could only sit where she had fallen and watched as Naruto tried repeatedly to catch the tiger.  She watched him bounce off walls, run on them, crash through things, at one point slam into the refrigerator's door, dive head first into a chair, slip on some trash that got knocked free, and eventually make a successful diving tackle…

...right into her.

“Na-ru-to-kun,” Yamiko felt her eye twitch as she recovered from the pain, but then notice something in Naruto’s arms.

“Got you, believe it, ehehe,” and sure enough, he had the tiger cub firmly in his arms and it was a big cub at that.

The cub had teal-colored fur, with silver stripes evenly placed, though the most distinguishing thing about it was its sparkling grey eyes. It was these eyes that showed its innocence in life that sparkled through.  It was hardly a dangerous animal, just lost and scared.  Yamiko’s heart went out to the tiger cub and she felt that Naruto holding it tightly was a crime against nature.

“Yamiko-chan?” Naruto looked to her confused, “I don’t recognize this breed of tiger.”

The blonde girl blinked her green eyes and then took in the appearance of the tiger.  As she looked it over, she felt her jaw drop.  She had not expected to run into such a tiger in the Hidden Leaf of all places.  It was just so unexpected that she was at a loss for words.

Mika, who had been resting until the ruckus started, was not though.

“That is a purebred Uzushiogakure-based Sea Tiger,” the blue haired girl, since Naruto didn’t know she was a golem, stated as she eyed the tiger cub and collecting some base stats on observation alone.  “I would judge this one to be at least several months old, nearly four feet in length, roughly two point five in height, and weighing between 50-80 pounds,” she stopped, observing the fur coat, “and likely illegally born and raised in captivity.”

“Illegally?” Naruto squinted his eyes, making him look like a fox as he tried to understand what Mika meant.

“Correct, illegally,” Mika responded and saw the confusion Naruto had and strangely felt the desire to sigh, but carried on, “Uzushiogakure Sea Tigers are extremely rare and endangered resulting in only legal institutions such as publics zoos, wild animal preserves, and such to have them.”

“Oh, okay,” Naruto understood that and his next question was an obvious one, “How did this fella come to be in your apartment?”

“Unknown, but investigation will likely uncover the truth,” Mika replied as she looked at the tiger and noticed a few other things, “This tiger appears to have only recently fled, leaving a high,” the front door was suddenly blown in, “probability that its illegal owners are still searching for it,” concluded without a slight bit of being perturbed.

In strode the smugglers who looked less than pleased about the run around.  Though they smirked as they saw it was only a trio of kids with their loose prey.  It would be simple as taking candy from a baby.

Too bad for them, they forgot several important details.

The first thing they forgot was that this was a ninja village.  You just don’t go knocking holes in walls and blowing doors off their hinges here.  These were simple folk of the farmlands or streetwise city slickers.  The former wished for peace and the latter knew better than to pick fights they could not hope to win.

But!  These were ninja.  And they were trained for battle.  Trained to fight from an early age.  Even a civilian of a ninja village was not someone you wanted to cross unless you held a distinct advantage and even then, you had to be wary.

Just because they didn’t have Chakra, didn’t mean they didn’t know ninja tricks or taijutsu.

The second, and most important, thing they forgot was that the ninja in question were related to the current Hokage, and their word meant more to her than anything else, especially the word of the smugglers. This was especially a problem for the idiots that thought that they could barge in the apartment to begin with.

As the lead smuggler brought out a switchblade and flipped out the blade, his cronies brought out tantos, obviously normal ones compared to the stuff used by ninjas. That was when they barged on into the apartment, the leader saying, “Okay, kiddies, it’s time to return our property back to us.” Pointing at Naruto with his free hand, the leader continued, “That tiger cub in your arms, boy? Yeah, it’s ours. If you want to live, you’ll have to give the tiger back, and—”

It was at that point that the Sea Tiger growled at the smugglers, signifying that these were the ones it was escaping from, before it leapt away from the immediate area and ran off to the window.

“Get the tiger!” The leader yelled at his eight goons, expecting things to go easily for them.

When they attempted to get past Naruto and the actual residents of the apartment, Naruto kicked one in the torso with a scissor kick while punching another with a straight left, while Yamiko and Mika each knocked down the remaining six that were upright with disabling blows. With that, the fight was over—

“Heh… you think that’s enough to take out my boys? You’re sadly mistaken, brats!”

—or so Naruto and the girls thought, until the eight smugglers that went down came right back up, weapons mysteriously back in hand. With the fight resumed all of a sudden, Naruto, Yamiko and Mika were hard-pressed to keep the home field advantage, as the smugglers charged at the three of them with twice the energy as before.

The smugglers teamed up on Yamiko, Mika and Naruto, beating them with the flats of their tantos. The beating lasted for roughly fifteen seconds, before Naruto overpowered his bunch and threw the whole lot of them towards the door, where the lead smuggler was. As they piled in front of their leader, Naruto finally got a feeling that the smugglers were far from normal humans, though he was having trouble pinpointing the exact nature of the smugglers with his extra sensing abilities.

While the smugglers were struggling to get back up from that one, Mika took the time to see about finding them in her database, the one of people that came from the immediate area. As she did so….

“Oi! Get your sorry asses off the ground and each other, and get back in the fight!” the lead smuggler yelled, starting to lose patience with his goons.

It was at this time that Naruto finally got a lock on the smugglers nature, making him gasp in surprise as he realized the truth. “Guys, we got youkai here!” he yelled to alert Yamiko and Mika.

“Heh! You figured us out, huh? Sorry to ruin your realization, but, now that you know the truth, none of you will be leaving here alive!!” The lead smuggler declared, before snapping his fingers of his free hand and the men stood back up before, in a quick burst of energy, transformed into thin monsters that were vaguely human in appearance with small horns sticking out of their foreheads with long forked tongues darting out of fanged mouths as skeletal wings appeared covered in thin leather skins and they reached forward with clawed three fingered hands.

“Oh you have to be kidding me,” Naruto looked at the youkai with their unnaturally bulging eyes centered on them, “What part of demons being scared of Uzumaki did this guy not get?”

“Eh?” the leading ‘smuggler’ blinked just before Yamiko pulled her guns out and a hail of energy sent the lot back into him.

“I believe that will only make them angry,” Mika intoned a fact as the leader could be heard growling darkly, “But as a means to an end, it has sufficed.”

“Yep,” Naruto knew what would come next…

“GET THEM!” the ‘smuggler’ shouted and the monsters rushed forward.

The monsters reached them and they began to thrash the three youths.  Despite that, the three were giving as well as they got.  Though it was clear that the power difference was a great chasm that couldn’t be overcome in that moment.

Naruto was beset by four of the monsters, since he was proving to be the most durable and stubborn one.  He managed to clock one right in the face and actually knock some teeth out.  Then he elbowed another into one of its companions.  But he was still outnumbered and the strength difference was huge.

Naruto was knocked down and then mercilessly pummelled.  He was picked up by one and smashed through the wall, coughing up blood in the process, before being thrown across the room.  One immediately punched him as he staggered back to his feet.  Then another blindsided him with a shoulder charge and he was done and again, being punched and kicked when one brought its clawed hand up for the kill.

Mika was proving not as durable as Naruto, but enough so that one of Naruto’s opponents had to peel off to fight her as well.  Mika was crashed through a wall into an adjoining apartment, the family there hiding in the back room could only shake in terror as Mika screamed as she was relentlessly attacked before she was slammed into the walkway through another wall.

Nevertheless, she had managed to break the arm of one opponent and knock another briefly senseless with her tonfas long enough to smash the hand of the third before being overpowered as the monsters regenerated or recovered.

Yamiko managed to remove the eye of one of the monsters with a lucky shot and her fire slowed her opponents until they crossed their wings over them and charged.  She was smashed back into the laundry room and then hurled back into the entryway.  She managed another shot that took a horn from the second attacker, but then they were all over her.

“I guess we’ll have to burn the building and kill everyone here,” the leader said, shrugging as he did so.

Naruto, despite being about to die, glared defiantly and said, “You… you f—”

“YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!” an older male voice roared, before an alarm clock was launched at the leader at such a high speed that, quite literally, clocked him as said device broke in two.

That unexpected action stopped the one-sided combat long enough to reveal a young man of around 17, in a blue school uniform, with black hair and gray eyes behind his glasses, storming towards where the leader fell, the switchblade still in his hand. By the time the monsters started processing the scene in front of them, the young man snatched the knife away from the leader and yelled, “You stole my switchblade!”

Upon noticing the monsters, the young man said to the aggressors, “Since when did you feel the need to beat up little kids? Put them down, and come at me….” Reaching for his glasses, he took them off, eyes closed as he did so, before opening his eyes to show that they changed from gray to a brilliant indigo, leading him to say, “...if you dare.”

With a roar, the monsters dropped Naruto, Yamiko and Mika, before charging at the interloper. Expecting an easy time against the new guy, they charged and then circled him, preparing to clobber him in a few blows, if even that.

“閃鞘 (Sensa),” the newcomer intoned, before he slashed at the monster in front of him blindingly fast. When he moved his knife hand closer to his body, he jumped up and over the monster, kicking the entity in the back and revealing that it was cleaved into 18 pieces.

By that point, the other monsters were quick to realize that they weren’t fighting a regular person, though they were still inclined to kill him.

As the young man saw them charge him, he smirked, saying, “You seem quite eager to die, you do realize.” With that, he ran towards the monsters, slashing one in an upper diagonal from his left to his right, stabbing another in a place in its chest that caused that specific monster to die and vanish at the same time, slashing a third from the creature’s right side of the neck to the left side of its abdomen, slicing a fourth from its left shoulder to its right foot, dicing a fifth into five pieces, stabbing a sixth in a different place from the chest of the second one (in this case, the tailbone area) and making that one die and vanish, and cutting the last of the mooks in a somewhat straight line down the middle.

The leader, having gotten up from being clocked very shortly after the last of his mooks died, growled before roaring in rage, transforming into a monster like what his goons were, only more beefy, taller, and with five clawed hands with full wings. When he revealed his true form, he yelled, “Prepare to DIE, PUNY HUMAN!!”

“Eh, you wouldn’t be the first to say something like that, bastard. You think you can actually succeed in killing me, though?” the young man asked the monster, before jumping in a backwards somersault towards where he started killing the goons. Before the move could be questioned, the young man intoned, “閃走 (Sensō)”.

As soon as the intoning happened, he almost teleported to right within the guard of the monster, having ran that fast in less than a second. With a few swipes of his switchblade, he defeated the leader, though allowing the monster to live for a few seconds.

“Who… who are you?” were the last words of the monster, before the life faded from its eyes.

“My name is Shiki,” the young man answered, putting his glasses back on. “Tohno Shiki.”

===

So... yeah. Help?

The Man With All The Cute Boats

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Re: In need of some major story assistance
« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2013, 03:05:11 AM »
Before I go through this and help you, I need to let you know that I stopped reading naruto a little after the ninja war started.

Will I have to read past that point, or can I just jump in anyway?

Xamusel

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Re: In need of some major story assistance
« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2013, 03:08:25 AM »
No worries, this is actually before the whole Ninja Graduation thing took place, especially since I decided that the Ninja Graduation age is now 16 for Naruto and his classmates.

Besides, the story this is for is completely AU, meaning it's possible that there won't even be a Ninja War.

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Re: In need of some major story assistance
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2013, 03:10:00 AM »
Then Xam, hand me my pants.

Because we're doing this.

Xamusel

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Re: In need of some major story assistance
« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2013, 03:10:52 AM »
*hands Nachos his pants*

Here ya go.

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Re: In need of some major story assistance
« Reply #5 on: November 22, 2013, 04:12:17 AM »
I'm working on it, but it'll take a while.

For now, have a part 1. Excuse the weird formatting, I have notepad in a small window next to this, which is what I've been using.

One of the bigger recurring mistakes is that dialogue only ends or start with a comma when there's a speaking verb, or something in the like, there to continue the sentence. Basically, going ["Blah," she said.] and ["blah." He turned around.] instead of the alternatives.

Bold stuff is important.


Naruto and Yamiko made it to her apartment when they heard a meowing sound coming from within.
[Naruto and Yamiko had made it to her apartment{comma}, when they...]

As soon as they heard it, Naruto turned to face her and asked, “Do you have a cat?”
[As soon as they'd heard it, Naruto turned to face her and asked, "do you have a cat?"]

“No, I don’t,” Yamiko answered truthfully a confused look on her face.
[Yamiko answered truthfully{put a comma here}, a confused look on her face.]

At that, both blinked in realization, with Naruto holding Yamiko’s groceries while she unlocked her door and opened it.
[...realization, and Naruto held Yamiko's groceries...]

With the doorway open, both of them made their way to where the meowing came from.
[With the doorway opened,...] Redundant with the previous paragraph as well, remove one of the two opened door statements [...where the meowing was coming from.]

They soon found the room and found themselves looking at a tiger cub helplessly trapped in Yamiko and Mika’s laundry much to the girl’s mortification.
[They soon found the room{comma here}, and found themselves...Yamiko and Mika’s laundry{comma here}, much to the girl’s mortification.]

but the tiger heard her and panicked and shot out of the room bowling both kids over and leaving a trail of laundry in its wake.
[but the tiger heard her{comma here, no and}, panicked and shot out of the room{comma here}, bowling both kids over and leaving a trail of laundry in its wake.]

Naruto pulled one piece of cloth off his face, fearing the worse and released a sigh of relief when he saw it was a pair of shorts and not something more terrifying, like bloomers or underwear.
[Naruto pulled a piece of cloth...]sounds better
[...fearing the worst, but released a sigh of relief when he saw it was a pair of shorts instead of something more terrifying, like...]

He still carried the occasional phantom pain from when he held a pair of his mother’s ‘special’ panties she had gotten from his father in front of several others.
[...when he had taken a pair of his mother’s ‘special’ panties, which were a present from his father, and showed them off in front of several acquaintances.] Sounds a lot better.

He also understood that Uchiha Mikoto still ribbed her longtime friend over the incident too.
[From what he understood, Uchiha Mikoto...over the incident{no too}.] sounds better

Naruto wisely changed the subject as he got to his feet and started chasing the tiger cub,
[...tiger cub{period}.]

he shouted chasing it around the apartment flat, “Get back here you!”
[... he shouted{comma}, chasing it around the apartment flat{period}.]

It was rather comical how the tiger cub led Naruto on a chase around the apartment.
[Show, don't tell. Delete this.]

Yamiko could only sit where she had fallen and watched as Naruto tried repeatedly to catch the tiger.
[...and watch as Naruto...]

“Na-ru-to-kun,” Yamiko felt her eye twitch as she recovered from the pain, but then notice something in Naruto’s arms.
[...Naruto-kun{period}." Yamiko felt her eye twitch...but then noticed something in Naruto's arms.]

“Got you, believe it, ehehe,” and sure enough, he had the tiger cub firmly in his arms and it was a big cub at that.
["Got you, believe it," he said with a little laugh, and sure enough he had the tiger cub firmly in his arms, and it was a big one at that.]
Or
["Got you, believe it, hehehe." Surely enough, he had the tiger cub firmly in his arms, and it was a big one at that.]

Xamusel

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Re: In need of some major story assistance
« Reply #6 on: November 22, 2013, 04:29:29 AM »
Thank you for your help so far.

By the way, most of the time, it's my co-author that's actually writing the dialogue. I mainly do it with characters he doesn't understand (or under other circumstances).

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Re: In need of some major story assistance
« Reply #7 on: November 22, 2013, 04:33:15 AM »
Not exactly sure how that works, but since it's working, then okay. Just pass the message along, I guess.

Actually, it's like 11:30 here and I should be sleeping. Got a date tomorrow, gotta prepare myself mentally and all sorts of shit beforehand.

...Oh my god, I have a date. I've become such a gigantic casual. I am ashamed of myself.

Anyway I'll keep working on it later. A lot to work on, as you've seen so far.

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Re: In need of some major story assistance
« Reply #8 on: November 22, 2013, 04:35:02 AM »
Indeed.

Well, I'd best let you go to bed, no sense in keeping you up for a long time.

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Re: In need of some major story assistance
« Reply #9 on: December 14, 2013, 10:59:43 PM »
I'll do this in bits, because I am simultaneously going over this and writing my own stuff.

Bit #2, technically. More tonight, don't worry.


The cub had teal-colored fur, with silver stripes evenly placed, though the most distinguishing thing about it was its sparkling grey eyes.
{distinguishable instead of distinguishing, maybe?}

It was these eyes that showed its innocence in life that sparkled through. 
{dude what, seeing the goodness in someone's eyes might be passable with a human, but with a tiger it's just silly}
{Nothing really factual about that though, just a little silly}

It was hardly a dangerous animal, just lost and scared.
{It was hardly a dangerous animal, just one lost and scared}

Yamiko’s heart went out to the tiger cub and she felt that Naruto holding it tightly was a crime against nature.
{Naruto holding it that tightly was a crime against nature}
{Basically show us that he's holding on pretty damn tight}

“Yamiko-chan?” Naruto looked to her confused, “I don’t recognize this breed of tiger.”
{-chan, but a pet peeve more than anything}

The blonde girl blinked her green eyes and then took in the appearance of the tiger.  As she looked it over, she felt her jaw drop.
{this is okay, but...}

  She had not expected to run into such a tiger in the Hidden Leaf of all places.  It was just so unexpected that she was at a loss for words.
{You've already shown us that she ran into something unexpected as soon as her jaw dropped, and you explained how weird the tiger looks earlier. this entire thing is redundant, and it should go}

Mika, who had been resting until the ruckus started, was not though.
{seeing as you should probably get rid of the last two lines, rewrite this. Change the "was not though" with something like "didn't share her surprise"}

“That is a purebred Uzushiogakure-based Sea Tiger,” the blue haired girl, since Naruto didn’t know she was a golem, stated as she eyed the tiger cub and collecting some base stats on observation alone. 
{the "since naruto didn't know she was a golem" is confusing. Just say the girl-shaped golem stated, and find a different place to stick in the blue hair and the tidbit that Naruto doesn't know she's a golem}

“I would judge this one to be at least several months old, nearly four feet in length, roughly two point five in height, and weighing between 50-80 pounds,” she stopped, observing the fur coat, “and likely illegally born and raised in captivity.”
{good dialogue, sounds as robotic as a golem should}

“Illegally?” Naruto squinted his eyes, making him look like a fox as he tried to understand what Mika meant.
{Naruto squinted his eyes like a fox's as he tried to understand what Mika meant.}
{this works better, while keeping the naruto->fox comparison}

“Correct, illegally,” Mika responded and saw the confusion Naruto had and strangely felt the desire to sigh, but carried on, “Uzushiogakure Sea Tigers are extremely rare and endangered resulting in only legal institutions such as publics zoos, wild animal preserves, and such to have them.”
{Okay, the desire to sigh sort of clashes with the robotic way of speaking she had earlier. Maybe change it for consistency?}
{Mika responded, and once she saw the confusion on Naruto's face she strangely felt the desire to sigh, but instead carried on,} {sounds better}

“Oh, okay,” Naruto understood that and his next question was an obvious one, “How did this fella come to be in your apartment?”
{Naruto said as he understood, and he realized his next question was an obvious one as he said it. (period)}

“Unknown, but investigation will likely uncover the truth,” Mika replied as she looked at the tiger and noticed a few other things, “This tiger appears to have only recently fled, leaving a high,” the front door was suddenly blown in, “probability that its illegal owners are still searching for it,” concluded without a slight bit of being perturbed.
{few other things. (period)}
{...searching for it," she concluded without any sign of being perturbed.}

In strode the smugglers who looked less than pleased about the run around. 
{Who looked less than pleased about being made to run around.}

Though they smirked as they saw it was only a trio of kids with their loose prey.
{They smirked as soon as they saw it was only a trio of kids with their lost prey.}

 It would be simple as taking candy from a baby.
{In their eyes, it would be as simple as taking candy from a baby.}

Too bad for them, they forgot several important details.
{But they'd forgotten a few details.}

The first thing they forgot was that this was a ninja village. 
{...they'd forgotten...}

You just don’t go knocking holes in walls and blowing doors off their hinges here.
{In this kind of village, you don't just go knocking holes in walls and blowing doors off of their hinges.}

These were simple folk of the farmlands or streetwise city slickers.  The former wished for peace and the latter knew better than to pick fights they could not hope to win.
{This feels like it's in the wrong place. You say right before "You don't do this here", and then continue with this, which feels horribly out-of-place}
{Maybe, "These thugs were used to dealing with the simple folk of the farmlands or the streetwise city slickers. The former etc etc.}

But!  These were ninja.  And they were trained for battle.  Trained to fight from an early age.  Even a civilian of a ninja village was not someone you wanted to cross unless you held a distinct advantage and even then, you had to be wary.
{But, these were ninjas, and they were trained for battle, to fight from an early age. Even a civilian from a ninja village was not someone you wanted to cross unless you had some advantage and even then, you had to be wary}

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Re: In need of some major story assistance
« Reply #10 on: December 14, 2013, 11:33:53 PM »
Thanks for the help you gave so far. My co-author and I appreciate it.